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The Perfect Man.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” 

Passenger: “Who?” 

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” 

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” 

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.” 

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.” 

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A pilot father’s discipline with love

Most people today think it improper to discipline children,
so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they
have had one of those moments.


Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective
is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which
I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on
his or her behaviour.

I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines,
or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games,
computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and
stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an
important element in achieving the desired results.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son,
in case you would like to use the technique.

Please see the photo………………………..

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Children Writing About the Ocean

Children Writing About the Ocean…


1)  This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.  (Kelly,  age  6)

2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls.  (Jerry, age  6)

3) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.  If you don’t  have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age  7)

4)  Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) A  dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy, age  8)

6) My  uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age  6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.  My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William,  age 7)

8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get  pregnant?  (Helen, age 6)

9) I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby  brother is always  crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age  6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.   Electric eels can give you a shock They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12)  Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.   Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age   8)

13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.   She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass..  (Julie, age 7)

14)  –  The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don’t drown, I  don’t know.(Bobby, age 7)

15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.   (Andrew, age 8)
 

 


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Hot Air Balloon

This is a British political joke: (You might have gathered by the ‘Hot Air’ Balloon!)

You need to know the three main parties:

Liberal, Conservative and Labour – there was a coalition between the Conservatives and Liberals.

 

The Story:

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost.

She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

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Café Boards

 

A Scottish café has become a social media hit thanks to its daily pun-filled sandwich board signs which have delighted customers.

Social media users are sharing the signs created by staff at the seafront Inversnecky Café, located in Aberdeen.

The café also posts photos of the signs, some of which are inspired from suggestions by customers, on its popular Facebook page.

Owner Martin Vicca explained he originally bought the board to advertise the café’s daily specials but instead decided to have some fun with his sandwich puns.

He told Metro.co.uk : “Originally the idea was to use the board to publish the daily specials and I just put out a board as we were not quite organised to do any yet.

“It’s too busy in summer to cope. Things went downhill from there.”

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The kids named Terry in Liverpool

LIVERPOOL CLASSIC!

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids. >

‘WOW!’ the social worker exclaims, ‘Are they ALL > yours?  ‘Yeah, they are all mine,’ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, ‘Sit down Terry.’ All the children rush to find seats.

‘Well,’ says the social worker, ‘you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’

‘This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.’

‘OK, and who’s next?’  ‘Well, this one is Terry, too.’

The social worker raises an eyebrow but she continues, one by one, through the oldest four boys, all named Terry.

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