A Few New (I think) Jokes

An elderly couple is attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’

He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’

Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

 

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital…one’s in a korma.. The other’s got a dodgy tikka!

 

IT’S A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY”

 And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

 Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche…

 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. 

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

 

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.

Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

That’s all today – Steve