If Fifty Shades of Grey was written by a man:
The first 20 of the fifty!!
- At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I’d seen.
- Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.
- ‘How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?’ she asked. ‘Fine,’ I said, ‘But I can’t see how we’re going to fit a Scalextric in here.’
- Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should’ve told her about the new electric fence.
- As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . ‘Clean up on aisle 3.’
- ‘Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?’ she asked. I nodded nervously. ‘OK’ she said and ate half my chips.
- Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the door to her wardrobe before she got home.
- ‘Hurt me!’ she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. ‘OK,’ I replied, ‘Your turkey’s too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.’
- She leant over the kitchen table. ‘Smack that bottom,’ she squealed, ‘Smack it hard!’ ‘I am,’ I said, ‘But the ketchup just won’t come out.’
- She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.
- They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn’t do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.
- ‘I’m your slave,’ she said breathlessly, ‘Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.’ So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.
- Her body trembled and shook.’I can’t wait any longer, do it now!’ she cried. ‘OK,’ I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.
- ‘Harder!’ she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, ‘Harder!’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?’
- ‘Hurt me!’ she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘You’re a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.’
- ‘Stick it right up there,’ she said, ‘I want to remember this!’ I did, then I patted it firmly. You can’t be too careful with Post-it notes.
- My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.
- ‘I’m a bad girl,’ she whispered, ‘Punish me in a way only a real man can!’ ‘Alright,’ I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.
- ‘I want it now against this wall!’ she ordered, ‘And keep it up as long as possible.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘I know how to put up a shelf.’
- As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said ‘I want to see your hardness.’ ‘Alright,’ I replied, and punched the waiter.