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A few ‘Oldies’ Jokes

Joke 1 (of 6)

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

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“The Parrot is Dead?”

At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Steve? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house. I am sorry to bother you whilst you are in your holiday villa in France, taking a few weeks off from your busy schedule.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Steve, that your parrot, he is dead”.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Steve.” Continue reading


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Anger Management

  When you have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don’t take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don’t know –

and someone who deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’

I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
‘Get the right f***ing number!’
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number
to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

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The British in Afghanistan

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?” The soldier replied, “There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? ……. they are only £10
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Lawyer Story of the Year

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE  YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY
This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .  A lawyer purchased a
box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against,
among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars, the lawyer filed  a claim against the insurance company.

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Radio Interview with Australian Major General

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines.

A portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Group visiting his military Headquarters is below.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
!
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
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The Doctor’s receptionist

An older gentleman had an  appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with  several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with  patients… As he approached the receptionist‘s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.  In a very loud  voice, the receptionist said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;

YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

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Better than any Judge and Jury

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Actual Classified Ad in a Savannah Paper

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.   E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

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